Deb Webster [Aspiring Dudette/ "Doreen" the Model]

Deborah Colonel Webster came bucking out of Bess Webster’s sizable beginia and into a luke-warm wading pool thirteen and a half years ago. She was six weeks early, but boi was she sassy! At the tender young age of one she was known to pop her collar and swagger around her crib like a well-endowed hunk. At four she began voraciously reading fashion magazines, and often shared her dreams of becoming a teen model with her best and only friend, Blue Robin. She and Blue Robin were dorky as hell, playing tiddly winks at recess and sporting t-shirts with attitude– “Does it LOOK like I care?!” was D-Web’s fave. At ten, Deb begged her mother to enroll her at Barbazon, but Bess refused, calling modeling school “poppycock” and “a load of shit.” Deb argued that it was her calling to be a teen model. Bess retorted, “You’re not a teen.” Finally a bona fide teen with a piping hot crush on the hot and steamy Timmy Bones, Deb managed to sleaze herself a spot in the West Swedshon Junior High’s most exclusive clique, the Dudettes. How did she do it? By promising T-Bone a heaping pile of fresh goat sammies if he’d only spread a rumor about her prolific modeling career in New York City, obviously. Now the Dudettes are convinced that she’s the cat’s meow, and Deb’s never been happier. Blue Robin is now old news, of course. Deb wouldn’t be caught dead fraternizing with that pointy-headed dweeb. Will the word get out that Deb lied? There’s only one way to find out… follow Deb Webster in her quest for a goat, everlasting popularity, and a hardcore, no holds barred Frenching session with the cock-laden Timmy B.

Jennifer Chicken [Leader of the Dudettes]

Jennifer Louise Chicken was born to Sandra Chicken, a homemaker and Gerard Chicken, a banker, 14 years ago at the Hospital of Greater Swedshon in Swedshon , Indiana . She grew up in a medium-sized white house with decorative columns on Shady Lane in West Swedhson, where she had her own room with a canopy bed, a floral-print bedspread, a poster of the Eiffel Tower and a tiny, white television. In kindergarten, she was voted the most popular kindergartener ever to attend kindergarten at West Swedshon Elementary. For Jennifer, popularity is not a destination, but a journey, a rich and vibrant tradition rooted deep in the Chicken family lineage. It all began with Jennifer’s great, great, great grandfather Axel Chicken, the extremely popular Danish pioneer who settled the Chicken family on the Indiana frontier. Today, Sandra and Gerard Chicken are the most popular adults in town. Jennifer’s older brother, Rick Chicken, wears a leather jacket, drives a convertible Chrysler and attends West Swedshon High, where he is the most popular boy. As for Jennifer, she carries the torch as West Swedshon Junior High, where she continues to push the boundaries of modern popularity.

Jennifer is a force to be reckoned with. Whenever she’s having trouble with the soda vending machine, a hunky guy comes up behind her and punches it in exactly such a way as to make a can of soda pop out the bottom. She owns a blue, fur poncho and she once frenched the hot and steamy Timmy Bones for ten seconds at Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, the local bowling alley. She also once dry-humped Chad Loaf on a dare at the Burger Lord. Likes: hanging out at the Burger Lord, frenching, chicken, rollerblading, tiny things, doodling on her binder, flipping all her hair to one side and pinning it up with a fun clip, listening to loud rock music on her walkman while bopping her head to the beat, talking on the phone while laying face-down on her bed with her legs up in the air, using her hairbrush as a pretend microphone, red lollipops, red life savers, red M&Ms and the color lavender. Dislikes: eating weird shit out of Doreen’s backpack, rainy days and the smell of farts. Her secret wish is to go to Paris and write poetry at the Eiffel Tower .

Donna McDonald [Dudette]

Donna McDonald was born in East Swedshon, Indiana to her parents Donnis and Donald. No one in her family has a middle name because they couldn’t think of one. Her father makes stuff out of wood (mediocre) and her mother volunteers at Walgreens for community service. When Donna was born she had a full head of blond hair and a long torso. When she was but 9 months old (no one knows the exact date of her birth), her parents took her to a golf course and she was hit in the temple with a golf ball. Since then she has suffered from jet black hair, minor dysplasia, occasional euphoria, general malaise, acute brain damage and short torso syndrome. At the age of 4 her mother, Donnis, knowing that Donna would not have it easy in the world of Swedshon, Indiana, taught Donna the art of gossip. In between bouts of catatonia, Donna has excelled in gossip and holds the torch for having the most rumored information in all of the Greater Swedshon region.

She has never french kissed but often fantasizes about Lance MaGirk during tee-ball practice. One time she kissed her pet lizard. Donna’s favorite food is McDonald’s, she dreams of meeting the Hamburgler (she’s in his fanclub) and she truly enjoys mall. Sometimes when she’s hanging out with the dudettes she will yell “MALL”. They often ignore her. Donna’s hair has not grown since she was eight and she’d like to keep it that way. Donna dislikes class, jazz, chocolate peeps (though she likes the other flavors) and growling. You can often find her leaning against her locker. She dreams of going to mall.

Millie Miller [Dudette]

Millicent Monet Miller was born of Mr. & Mrs. Millard M. Miller III 14 years ago in Swedshon Memorial Hospital (in a private suite). Not surprisingly, maternity ward nurses voted her “most wealthy looking baby” (see newsletter archives). Legend says that she even bled “blue” within her first few hours of life. Soon after the birth, Mrs. Miller’s womb became rather hostile, ensuring Millie’s position as sole heir to Miller Industries, which includes (but is not limited to) the following: Miller Mufflers, Miller Tool Bits, Miller PVC Piping, Miller Injection Molding, Swedshon Terrace Villas Development and Swedshon Dollar Cinema. Millie fancies precious metals, bubble wrap, leather interior, private events, oversized ball caps, blank checks, pop rocks, peacocks and Chad Loaf. Often she stands behind Chad in the cafeteria line, leans forward and ever so discreetly inhales the scent of his musky man-hair. She prizes her membership in the “Dudettes” second only to her financial superiority. Millie prefers to eat everything with a sterling silver crab fork, which she carries with her at all times in a velveteen pouch. In her most private moments, she is touched by the indignities of the middle class (two car garages, the bi-weekly housekeeper, stir-fry). However, such empathy is short-lived and often followed by a hearty chuckle before her mind turns to more pressing matters, such as… how much more expensive accoutrement must she purchase in order to win the affections of one Chad Loaf?

The Hot & Steamy Timmy Bones [President of the Funky Hunks]

Timothy Bottom Bones was born to Chaz and Playla Bones on a cold and rainy day in March, on his birthday. As Playla pushed him out into the world and Chaz cheered like a cheerful cheerleader, steam began to rise off Timmy’s pint-sized little body, creating a mysterious, romantic effect in the delivery room. From that day forward, he was known as “The Hot and Steamy Timmy Bones,” or simply, “The Bones” for short. Almost as soon as he learned to walk, he began swaggering around the neighborhood on a daily basis. At the age of six, his parents enrolled him in West Swedshon Elementary School’s kindergarten class, where he made waves by turning his chair backwards and straddling it in order to face the front of the classroom, like on Saved by the Bell. It was then that his alpha-male status was confirmed – his life would never be the same.

Along the rocky road to Junior High, he learned very quickly that popularity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s hard work! That’s what caused him to retreat into the world of magic the summer before sixth grade. Magic provided an escape from the daily grind of popularity. Magic never judged him, and magic never pressured him to be something he wasn’t. Using his allowance, he purchased a beanie baby in the image of a bear with a magician’s cape, wand and top hat. In a stroke of brilliance, he snipped that hat from the tiny bear’s head and fastened it atop his own to create his signature look just in time for his debut at Swedshon Middle School. To this day, he wears the tiny top hat as a sign of rebellion. He also wears a codpiece to protect his hearty package from flying projectiles. The Bones was surprised when Deb Webster offered him a week’s allowance in order to start a rumor that she was an undercover fashion model named Doreen, but he took the bait anyway. Then he danced maniacally at an abandoned warehouse for over an hour in order to release the tension of being so popular that she would ask him such a thing in the first place. Things he digs: funky dance routines, busting moves, frenching, motorcross, thunder and lightening. Things he digs not: pressure, phoniness, freakiness and creepiness. And soft drinks, such as cola.

Buck Tight Jimmy [Choreographer of the Funky Hunks]

Buck Tight Jimmy is funky. He walks to the beat of his own funk. He is known for his signature dance moves inspired by the Pamchenko in his favorite movie, The Cutting Edge. He often grabs girls and boys alike in the halls, swings them over his head whilst he spins and gracefully throws them against the lockers. This is a testament to why he was given the coveted role of Choreographer for the Funky Hunks. He is daily adorned in patriotic spandex that both remind the laymen of his affinity towards the male anatomy and the US of A. Buck Tight wasn’t always popular and didn’t always carry such fine nomenclature. He was born Buckanon James Grapestein to Duff and Mordechai, a business team that pilfered the entire illuminated pole industry that would later inspire liquid-dancing. At the tender age of 3, Buck Tight Jimmy started dancing like a bucking bronco to get attention from his often negligent and distracted parental team. Between the ages of 3 and 6 he was called “Bucking Jim” until he introduced his acorn sized balls to society with his affinity for spandex and all things tight. At the age of 11, he introduced several extravagant dance moves from New York City and MTV (censored) to the 5th grade roller skating birthday parties and was noticed by the Hot and Steamy Timmy Bones who ultimately invited him to personally choreograph the Funky Hunks. He can often be found choreographing dance moves for the funky hunks, practicing complimentary hand gestures for his dance moves, smoking candy cigarettes and bucking. He does not like silence, stillness, or darkness. He hopes to one day join the esteemed US Olympic rhythmic dance team.

Chad Loaf [Secretary of the Funky Hunks]

Chad Loaf was sewn by the seeds of Paula and Jacques Loaf (via faulty diaphragm) on an unseasonably warm Valentine’s Day at the Lower Swedshon Airport Sheraton. Jacques Loaf is a native of New Orleans who alighted to the midwest in the wake of a failed “Beignet Cafe” venture that left a handful of Armenian entrepeneurs with a taste for blood. He met Paula while she was working a churro stand at the Tri-State World Festival. They first locked lips over a steaming pile of sugar-fried bread.

Although legally named Jean-Luc (Creole), Paula and Jacques decided to call their happy accident “Chad” after the character Chad Remmington, a rough and tumble lawyer from the wild west radio serial, “Frontiertown.” At the age of seven, Chad was left to fend for himself for 2.5 hours in an antique dining car after Mr. and Mrs. Loaf left him behind at the Railway Museum. Chad’s patented style–headband, belt as ’sash’ and fingerless driving gloves–is in equal parts inspired by the Karate Kid, Cary Grant and the Girl Scouts of Lower Pittjun County. Chad’s mid-morning hobby is eating bean curd and his hands always smell like cajun seasoning. He is very much aware of Millie Miller’s penchant for sniffing his silky locks. At first he was somewhat disturbed by this behavior, but has grown to find it mildly arousing. Chad is mostly ambivalent towards his 8 year old, dyslexic sister Audrey, however he is intimidated by her ability to recite song lyrics backwards. Although he has never picked up an instrument, Chad is very talented at listening to music and dreams of becoming a jazz musician. Chad pretends to like sports to seem like more of a guy. Also, he whittles soap.

Lance MaGirk [Treasurer of the Funky Hunks]

Lance Child MaGirk trolls the streets for treasure. This is mainly because he happens to be the official treasurer of the Funky Hunks – the most popular boys at West Swedshon Junior High (to be exact)! As such, Lance is the only one who possesses the key to the secret Funky Hunk treasure chest filled with various bills and coins (which can be used to purchase things). You can often find him wearing jams, culottes, hammer pants and/or a long-sleeved Tee with a large scorpion printed on the chest. Also, he doesn’t leave the house without his trusty coonskin cap that keeps the ladies wanting more. They often ask: “What’s under the coon, Lance?” Answer: his head.

His parents, Glenna and Muggs MaGirk hail from Bourbon, Kentucky where they often indulged in a sip of the old moonshine. They call Lance their “dance child”- hence the name “Lance Child”- because they were dancing in the moonlight when they conceived him. They then hopped into their pickup and drove North, landing in Swedshon, where Muggs could pursue his dream of working in the mines. Glenna keeps busy with her miniature horse collection and by noshing on fresh veggies such as celery and corn.

Lance likes to both repair and ride his bike, which he has adorned with rims, hubcaps, and a windshield (in case of rain). Lance likes: riding his bike around the neighborhood, repairing his bike, jamming to some modern tunes, eating grub, finding treasure and hunting squirrel. Lance doesn’t like: not finding treasure, running, tying his shoes, movie or book.

Mr. Maneuver [El Profesor de Spanish]

Mr. Sheldon Maneuver fancies himself Latino. His fondness for all things Hispanico began in his early teens and can be traced back to his first taste of meaty Taquito at a roadside 7-11. After this fateful encounter, Mr. Maneuver sought out the only Espanish persona for 6 counties, an 88 year old Puerto Rican shut-in named Ferraro Dominguez. At first, the elderly señor was put off by the attentions of the Gringo, but he quickly warmed to the plucky Maneuver. In exchange for Spañol lessons, Maneuver performed odd jobs around la casa Dominguez, such as spackling cracks and moving mounds of dirt back and forth. On his death bed, Sr. Dominguez willed Maneuver his mama’s pearl-laden prayer book, somewhat out of kinship but mostly because he had no living heirs. Maneuver whispered into the fading man’s whiskery ears a promise to return to la patria, the homeland of Costa Rica (Ferraro would have corrected him had he either cared or been conscious).

Knapsack heavy with Mango juice and tamales, Maneuver set out for the “Rich Coast” by Greyhound bus. Unfortunately, he made it only as far as Laredo, Texas before running out of dinero. Maneuver eagerly took up residence in the bordertown, playing the part of un hombre by working as a day laborer. Locals referred to him as “el Flaco Rubio.” At night he sipped tequila at the local cantina before nuzzling into the warm flank of his genuine Tejicana novia, Abigail Charles, a sandy-haired Californian who was one-eighth Cuban on her mother’s side. After six months abroad, Maneuver felt worldly enough to return to Swedshon and pursue his dream of teaching España. He delights in recalling tales of his adventures in South America to a captive audience. Currently, Maneuver is dabbling in video dating (just got his first VCR!) when he is not watching telenovelas or recording his own series of language learning cassettes. In between classes, he snacks on platanos and attends to his blonde bob.

Mrs. Webster [Deb's Mom]

Mrs. Webster was born Bess W. Kettle in Peenan, Indiana 41 years ago. At 27, she married Les Webster at the local beeraria in sensible skin-colored pumps. Six months later, beet-colored Deb arrived. Mrs. Webster was forced to resign as head seamstress at Needle In The Hay, a local tailor shop, because Deb was always wailing and trying to get at her tits. Les, mailman by day and blithering non-alcoholic beer drinker (O’doul’s) by night, has made quite a name for himself in Swedshon, notorious for swaggering in and out of local saloons in a sloppy manner and dribbling domestic cider on his sweater vests. Mrs. Webster deals with her husband’s drooling by pretending that she doesn’t notice and being the best wife she can be. The two met in high school, while starring in a local production of Peter Pan (Bess played Peter and Les played Malcolm). Mrs. Webster takes pride in being a homemaker, but finds her daughter Deb to be quite the handful. Mrs. Webster chalks it up to typical teenage tomfoolery, but is eagerly awaiting the day that her teen daughter stops wearing outlandish outfits, referring to herself as “Doreen,” and speaks of things other than the merits of being a popular teen.

Blue Robin [Deb's former BFF]

Robin Shrubbery Tobin, a.k.a. Blue Robin, came into the world feet-first on a warm summer afternoon. At the exact moment of her birth, a red-breasted robin descended onto the delivery room windowsill and began to caw repeatedly. Her parents, Lois and Login Tobin, therefore named her Robin, wrapped her in a pale pink blanket, took her home to 83 Corkton Court and placed her in her crib. When she was five, the Tobins enrolled Robin in West Swedson Elementary’s kindergarten class. It was there that she met Deb Webster, and the two girls bonded over a shared bologna sandwich on white with a thin layer of mayo. In about zero minutes flat, they were BFF.

It was in seventh grade that Robin made the life-decision to dub herself Blue Robin, because she thought the pre-fix “Blue” made her sound more sexual and sensual (and Deb agreed). She briefly considered calling herself “Jumbuck Sally” instead, but ultimately decided against it because it didn’t look good in bubble letters. Blue Robin was mega-supportive when Deb decided to go by “Doreen”and try to become popular, and ultra-sad when Deb dropped her like a hot sack of crispy French fries. Ever since then, she has longed for the days when she and Deb would make a Stouffer’s French bread pizza and gab for hours about cute boys and cool new rock bands while her kid brother, Toby, would pester them. Sometimes they would pop on their helmets and kneepads and rollerblade around the neighborhood until suppertime. One time, they rollerbladed to Red Lobster and Frenched there over a platter of seared shrimp, just to see what it was like.

Blue Robin is known for her light brown hair and backwards baseball cap. She is on the yearbook committee and sometimes wears overall shorts with one of the straps dangling down. Thumbs up: telephone calls, sweet pickles, macaroni salad and two-for-ones, which she calls two-fers. Thumbs down: raquetball, nougat and thunderstorms.

Galileo Galilei[Italian Exchange Student]

Galileo Galilei was born in the sleepy, seaside town of Prosciutto, off the coast of Southern Italy. His was a happy childhood, and the air always smelled of rich Italian herbs and spices. When Galileo was but a bambino, his father moved the family to “Roma,” where they all purchased leather outfits and ate plentiful amounts of Rigatoni. It was there in Italy’s bustling capitol city that Galileo picked up his urban ways. By the age of 11, he was riding a Vespa to school each day and drinking vino in the piazza. Oftentimes, he and his friends would hang out at the Coliseum and eat spaghetti, a traditional Italian dish. At the age of 12, he developed a thick mound of pubic hair, so big as to engulf his penis entirely. Inspired by his favorite movie, Ghostbusters, he enrolled in an American exchange program the following year. He was placed with the Mudgeon family of West Swedshon, Indiana, and now attends West Swedshon Junior High. The Mudgeons’ daughter, Blylene, currently resides with the Galilei family in Rome, where she is having a blast learning about Italian culture and ancient Italian heritage, such as Michelangelo.

Turn ons: Sigourney Weaver, crotches, cologne, going to third, pasta, cappuccino and frappuccino. Turn-offs: Quail.

Humphrey [The Neighbor Mr. Chin's Dog]

Humphrey Dean Chin is the proud canine of Leonard Chin, neighbor to the Webster family. Humphrey hails from Pittjun County where his parents, Huck and Pea mated in the woods by Lucky Dog Kennel. Huck, a Boston Terrier with mange and balls intact found Pea, a lavish French Bulldog peeing behind the shed. He mounted her and pumped away until 6 tender pups were birthed not far from their conception. Leonard Chin had just divorced his cheating wife when he drove to the kennel to find a new companion. It was there that Humphrey peed on his shoe and inaugurated what would be a blessed union. Mr. Chin took him home and immediately placed a party cap upon his furry maw.
Humphrey likes: eating, drinking water, peeing on or in Mr. Chin’s loafers, chewing hide, and going to holiday parties with Mr. Chin. Humphrey doesn’t like: Being hungry, having to make (especially a BM) when Mr. Chin is not home, small children, or being mistaken for a goat.