Dear Diary,
I have a confession to make. I think I’m pregnant. Mrs. Vulvia the gym teacher came into our spanish class to teach us about sex and STD’s. She pulled out a green banana which she called a plantain. Mr. Maneuver yelled “Ay dios mio! Un plantano!” Buck tight Jimmy jumped up and did a salsa move. She said that sex can cause a lot of diseases and we shouldn’t have sex (because Jesus doesn’t like it) but if we do we have to use a condon. A condon is made of wet balloon that you put on a banana. I got uncomfortable and yelled “Blue Robin eats condon!” then she told us about all the STD’s we can get from SEX. There’s one called crabs where crabs crawl on your frontbutt and are itchy! GROSS! I chimed in, “Penny Cockis has crabs on her peehole!” Mr. Maneuver started to yell something to me but I fell asleep. When I woke up we were learning about gentle warts. Mr. Maneuver said they’re “malo.” Then Mrs. Vulvia told us about pregnancy and how it starts from kissing. That’s when I realized I have a problem. Remember when I practiced frenching on Brenda, my hamster? Well he licked right back and now when I puff out my stomach it looks like I have a bump. I’ve been extra hungry and going to the ice cream truck twice a day, and I went to the library and read “What to expect when you’re expecting.” Well, I didn’t read it but I saw it on the shelf. I also found a bug in my room which I think might have been from the crabs. I really don’t know what to do. Should I tell my mom? Should I tell the dudettes? I haven’t even gotten my period yet. I really don’t know if I’m ready for a baby. I still have all of middle school ahead of me and I don’t want to have to think about changing diapers and baby clothes. I have a feeling that Lance is the father. I’m worried that if I tell him he’ll run away and I’ll have to raise the baby myself like Andrea from 90210. I feel so alone.
I really need your advise.
Love and kisses,
Donna
PS. I started a rumor that Dana Dripsky frenched Danny Mugg and now they’re pregnant with twins.
previously: Donna McDonald’s Diary Entry #3: I Farted at the Burger Lord
previously: Donna McDonald’s Diary Entry #2
previously: Donna’s New Diary
