Dear diary,

I just started a diary because of this horribly unfair thing that has happened. (oh by the way, my name is Jennifer Louise Chicken, I’m 14, and I’m the most popular girl at West swedshon junior High School in Swedshon, Indiana!!) Um, basically I found out today that the hot and steamy Timmy Bones (leader of Funky Hunks, most pop boy, etc.) is NOT actually going to ask me to the Holiday Hop because he asked someone ELSE, some “mystery girl” who is going to be a secret until the night of the hop. Get real! This is an APOSTROFY. The point is that it SUX, and to top it all off, the other Dudettes (myself of which is the leader) all got asked to the hop by their crushes. Even Deb (“Doreen”) Webster got asked – by Buck Tight Jimmy (not Timmy Bones). She wanted The Bones to ask her but obvs that was never gonna haps. I stormed out of the cafeteria and everyone was real scared because they didn’t know what I might do. I have kind of a big reputation around here – when I speak, peeps listen to the words that i say and they know that I mean biz. I practically run this school, after all. It can be stressful and to be honest I really don’t need the added pressure of all this whole Holiday Hop mix-up. I cant wait until I can go and meet some cool people at the Eiffel Tower. I really need go to Paris to clear my mind. I also want to meet some French guys because they are romantic, they speak the French language which has a very romantic feel, and they know all about French wine. French teens even drink wine, which I think is very mature. I think it should be up to the individual teen whether or not to drink wine. My parents have been letting me have a little bit of wine each year at christmas ever since I was eleven, when I won the Swedshon County Junior Miss Jingle Bells Pageant at the West Swedshon Festival of Christmas Cheer. I wore a red velvet strapless cocktail dress with lace edging, a lace choker and dangly pearl earrings. The pageant director said I looked like a Christmas angel from heaven. A lot of people also said I looked like a young Lonnie Anderson, who is a gorgeous actress that used to be on a show called WKRP in Cincinnati. My mom made me a wand that matched my dress, and I waved it at the judges. They thought that was really cute.

Anyway, I think I could probably model in Paris. Everyone always tells me I have amazing looks. I also have that certain “something” that all celebs are supposed to have. It’s funny, because when I see a famous person (like when I saw Lark Voorhies on my family vacation to Orlando), I don’t get nervous or get a fear-problem cuz I honestly just don’t feel that different from them. I feel like I have a lot in common with celebs, like we could really hang together and understand each other. I certainly know what it’s like to have people follow me around and constantly copy my ways. I also know what it’s like to deal with jealousy issues and other people’s baggage about being ugly and lame. I’m not jealous of Deb about getting asked to the hop, by the way. I just feel sorry for her because it’s so obvious that Buck Tight Jimmy only asked her because he was too intimidated to ask me. Basically he had a fear-problem.

My body feels so toned and alive because I did the Nordic track for like 4 hours this weekend. That’s all for now because I have homework – duh, I’m a junior high school student. I’m on the honor roll by the way. Plus I was homecoming princess last year and this year, and I received 64 Candy-Grams last year before holiday break. It was so funny because I could hardly even carry them because there were so many. I gave them to the poor. (And anyway I don’t even like the flavor of peppermint).

Hola,

Jennifer Chicken

previously: Deb Webster’s Letter to Timmy Bones Concerning the Holiday Hop

previously: The Most Exciting & Romantic Thing: A Personal Essay by Jennifer Louise Chicken

previously: My Journey with Popularity by Jennifer Chicken