I’m a bikeman. A man of bike. I know how to get the wheels pumpin’ so nothing can stand between me and the mall. I’ve decided to jot down some pretty major ways to pimp your ride if you wanna get the ladies scream’n and the crowd jumpin’:

1. Windshield. Every sweet ride has a tinted windshield. Think of it as like sunglasses for your bike. It also protects you if you want to go off-roading. Sometimes I take my bike into the woods and ride it on dirt or rocks. That’s how I get my masculine calves. The windshield can protect against people throwing things at you, the sun, rocks, rain, and crumbs.

2. Rims. Always get rims on your wheels. It’s especially sweet if they spin even when you’re not ridin’. It gives the effect of going really fast, even if you’re ridin’ really slow because your mom made you stop at the store to pick up Hunt’s Ketchup and you don’t want it to spill.

3. Rims on your training wheels. Ok, so some of us still need a little help with the two wheeler. Rims on the training wheels lets everyone know you’re tough as nails.

4. Ridin’. Never use the “g” when you say “riding your bike.” People think you’re tough and from East Swedshon. You can also say you’re going Scootin’.

5. Lights. Get one for the front and one for the back, preferably blinking in different colors such as blue, green and red. That way people think you just came from the club. Also, everyone thinks you’re ridin’ at night (even if you’re not).

6. Helmet. Don’t wear it. Ok, you can wear it until you’re at the end of your block but then take it off and leave it behind Mr. Crestebutte’s bush. If you do wear a helmet (loser), it should be in the shape of a long teardrop like the ones they use for luge. It should be aerodynamic and cover your entire face so you can steal things from the corner store like Big League Chew and Hersheys.

7. Handles. They should go straight across. The handles that curl are for gays. If you can get brakes on the handles, more power to ya. My brakes are still on the pedals but whatever. Handle bars should be neon colors- preferably green.

8. Bell. There should be a picture of Batman or the superhero of your choice (male) on the bell. The bell should be rung often to alert everyone that there’s a new boss in town.

9. Basket. Black and with no flower. If it comes with a flower, rip it off and throw it at someone to show that you’re tough and don’t like flowers.

10. Tassels. I recommend black leather tassels that blow in the wind when you ride really fast.

11. Ridin’ fast. Do it whenever possible. The goal is to ride so fast that people can’t see your feet peddling. it’s an optical illusion.

So that’s my guide to ridin bike. Use it or lose it.

Lance.

previously: Featured Bio – Lance MaGirk