What’s cookin’ Bones,
This is my fourteenth draft of this letter. I really want it to sound casual and off-the-cuff, which is why i keep scrapping version after version of it.
It really annoys me that you can’t see that i’m the one you should bring to the holiday hop.
I get it. J-chicken is more popular than me. You frenched her once in a bowling alley. WHO GIVES A RAT’S ASS? Can’t you feel our chemistry? Wouldn’t you be proud to show up to West Swedshon’s biggest event of the year with an NYC fashion model on your arm? Okay. I know you know this isn’t actually true. I know you know I bribed you to tell people that I was. But OTHER people don’t know that it’s not true! And you’ll look tres chic at the hop with what people think is a bonafide model by your side!
We could be like Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford, or Stephanie Seymour and Axl Rose. In other words, hip, lean, steamy, and au currant. Don’t you know that every cool guy needs a popular girl? I AM A POPULAR GIRL. Plus, sometimes it’s nice to surprise people, and not do what you’re expected to do (a.k.a ask Jennifer instead of me). I’m sick of living in her shadow, and this is the perfect way for me to come out from behind it and show her and the rest of West Swedshon who’s boss (me).
I have slinky hips and a mean set of curls, both on my head and between my legs. I drink Sunny D, I jump rope like it’s my job, I have an owl figurine collection, and love just settling in front of the telly with a bucket of wings and watching the game. A real guy’s girl, nahwhatimsayin? I can really hang. Plus, I might just season those goat sammies extra special if you ask me instead of Jennifer (Mom says a blast of paprika really give meat a zing).
Let me know, pronto. I’m sick of your shit. I’m sick of waiting. Plus I bought a seafoam green dress that makes my torso look SICK (in a slang kind-of-a-way).
Get back to me stat, you trim chump,
Deb
previously: Deb Webster’s Creative Writing Homework: Flowetry
previously: Featured Bio – Deb Webster
